Vae Soli
by bbdarknyss
Summary: JD looks back on his life.Warning! Deathfic, violence, bad language


**Vae Soli**

**Woe to him who stands alone**

Had we remained together  
we could have become a silence.  
-Y.Amichai

As oh so often, sleep don't want to be a friend of mine. I've been sitting in front of the window of my room, looking at my sleeping town. Raindrops whip the glass panes in front of me. The rain is full of ghosts tonight.

It's been ten years now. Ten years almost to the day. Ya told me to live a life. I think I did that, made a life for m'self. As for the living...Well, I did my job; ain't that what counts most?  
Yer all gone now. Only Nathan an' me left. He's kept me grounded these last years. He inherited that nasty job from Josiah. Poor ole' Josiah didn't even die for a good cause. None of y'all did, I figger.

Poor Nate. Guess I gotta be giving him a headache most of the time. He's the only one of us who made a decent life for himself, with Rain and the kids an' all. If it weren't for me, he'd hardly set foot in town. He prefers the village; did ever since Ezra got killed.  
That broke 'em both, Josiah and Nathan, Ezra dyin'. They'd gotten pretty close after we lost you all.  
Ez...He tried to help, tried to make sure I didn't turn into Chris. It didn't really work.  
Nate says I got the glare now, the patented Larabee glare. All that practicing in front of the mirror never helped a damn; it only took losin' all of you to put it there.  
Yup, I should be real proud of myself. Did all I wanted to do when I jumped off that damn stagecoach. I've killed people, I'm still sheriff after all this time, people respect me and the bad guys know my reputation. I've even got a dimestore novel in my name.  
It weren't worth it. Nothing' was.

Ain't many of he first ones left nowadays. Mrs Travis married Gerard Whitman, that feller we met on the wagon train, a coupla years after Chris and Vin rode out of town. Nettie died some years back an' Casey got married to someone not me; she moved to the city. Yosemite got killed in that dreadful stable fire two years ago. Hiram and the girls decided to head back to family. Can't say I blame 'em after what I did to them. Judge Travis, I heard, died shortly before Ezra went.  
There's only Mrs Potter left. She's a good woman. Talks to me about the old days sometimes. Puts flowers on the graves. Don't know why she does it. Figger she won't let go of the memories neither. She and Nate are the only ones who ever call me JD anymore. I'm sheriff Dunne to everyone now.

I never did find out where the bastards buried Chris and Vin. I talked to that sheriff in Tuscosa. Rotten sonofabitch was deputy back then. Bastard said he sure as hell don't remember where they bury scum. He spit teeth for that.  
Did tell me what happened. Chris got gunned down trying' to stop 'em from lynching Vin. Vin got hanged anyway. Never got to clear his name.  
Sheriff told me the bodies were thrown in a pit somewhere. Believe me; I tried to jog his memory. A man won't lose three fingers on his gun hand and still shut up. I figger he really didn't know no more.  
That was six years ago. Chris and Vin had already been dead for almost four. They were the first to go.

Never had the guts to tell the others. I think they figured it out by themselves. I got harder, I got meaner.

Ezra died in a barroom brawl. He got knifed in the back and bled out before Nate could get to 'im. Inez was there. He didn't die alone, that's good. Josiah put a bullet in the bastard who did it.  
Miss Inez left Four Corners a month or so later. Ez left her all his cash, enough for her to make a new life for herself. Don't rightly know what happened to her. I hope she's happy.

Josiah left us about four months later. Ezra and he had gotten real close the last years. His death, it broke Josiah inside. It hurt Nathan too. He couldn't cope with all the death and left town to be with Rain. Didn't come back for over a year.  
I got harder. Couldn't help myself, sure as hell couldn't help Josiah. I think his heart gave up. He died in his sleep. I found him one morning in one of the church pews. I buried him next to Ezra; I think he would've liked that. Sent word to Nathan. He didn't come.

Now, I can't get the man to git. Guess he feels guilty for stayin' away so long.  
He's the only link I got left to what I was, what we were. It hurts to see him, to be reminded of what was lost. But it also makes me remember the good times. Hell! The times, the days...

Ten years is a long time to be missing someone, Buck.  
Nate knows that.  
I figger he thinks I'm gonna give up one of them days. I figger maybe he's right.  
I figger you'll be waiting for me.

* * *


End file.
